Remember those first few weeks or months of a new relationship, when everything feels electric? You’re both intrigued by each other, asking questions, sharing dreams, and diving into each other’s worlds. In those early stages, connection seems effortless, as if it’s just happening naturally. But as the relationship settles into a routine, many couples start to feel a bit out of sync, almost like they’re moving through life side-by-side but not fully together. Why does this shift happen, and what can couples do to keep that sense of closeness alive?
At the start of a relationship, connection often feels natural because it’s fueled by curiosity, openness, and vulnerability. Each partner wants to get to know the other, and sharing feels rewarding rather than risky. According to Amir Levine’s work on attachment theory, this phase satisfies a deep need to feel close, seen, and supported.
Attachment bonds form easily when we perceive our partner as safe and available, which makes it easier to be our truest selves.
As time goes on, the thrill of discovering each other fades into familiarity. Little by little, daily routines take over, and life gets filled with practicalities—work, bills, family plans, responsibilities.
What once felt spontaneous and exciting starts to feel predictable. Instead of looking forward to seeing each other at the end of the day, couples sometimes fall into habits that feel more like coexisting than truly connecting.
Then, without even realizing it, communication starts to shift. Where there used to be late-night talks about everything under the sun, now there are quick exchanges about schedules and errands. You still care deeply, but the connection feels quieter, even a bit dulled around the edges.
This doesn’t mean the love is gone or that the relationship is over—it’s more that the layers of life start to cloud the view, making that once-bright connection harder to see. It’s not that couples stop wanting to connect; they just start losing sight of how they used to do it so naturally. That magnetic pull becomes something they might miss or even wonder if they can ever fully get back.
As partners become familiar, life inevitably gets busier, and that initial focus on each other starts to blur. The human brain craves novelty, so as the relationship becomes more predictable, it’s easy for couples to focus on the practical side of life rather than making intentional space for emotional connection. Work, responsibilities, and even small stresses build up, and without realizing it, couples may stop engaging in the same small rituals—like checking in on each other’s feelings or enjoying shared activities—that made them feel close.
Add to this the small, often unnoticed changes in communication. When couples stop being openly curious about each other’s lives, they start making assumptions about what the other feels or needs. These assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and even resentment over time. When a partner feels they’re being taken for granted or not truly seen, they may pull back, consciously or unconsciously, to protect themselves from disappointment.
Sue Johnson’s work shows that, over time, couples can start feeling uncertain about each other’s emotional availability that creates a cycle where each partner slowly stops showing up as fully as they once did, which only deepens the disconnection.
When Sue Johnson talks about “emotional availability,” she’s referring to a partner’s ability to be present, responsive, and supportive when we reach out emotionally. In healthy relationships, each partner feels confident that the other is there for them, especially during moments of vulnerability or distress. But when this sense of availability feels shaky or unpredictable, it can create anxiety and distance.
Here’s how it works: let’s say one partner,
Mark, has had a tough day and feels upset. He wants comfort from his partner, Jen. He might express his frustration or sadness in small ways, like sighing or looking distracted. If Jen notices and responds with empathy—asking him about his day, showing care—Mark feels reassured. He knows he can rely on her, which strengthens their bond.
But if Jen doesn’t notice or brushes off his mood, Mark might feel uncertain about her support. Even though she might be preoccupied or tired, he may interpret her reaction as a lack of caring, triggering an insecurity in him about whether she’s really “there” for him when he needs her. This “attachment panic” or uncertainty can build over time, creating a pattern where one or both partners start to withdraw or feel defensive.
In Johnson’s terms, this emotional uncertainty creates a “negative cycle,” where each partner starts reacting from a place of fear instead of trust, making them feel even more disconnected.
To bridge this disconnection, couples can begin with a few small but powerful steps that help rekindle the spark and restore that sense of closeness. Here’s an effective practice :
Emotional Availability Check-In
Step 1: Set the Scene (1 Minute)
Find a quiet, comfortable spot where you can sit facing each other.
Take three deep breaths together to create a moment of calm and presence.
Step 2: Share Your Current State (1-2 Minutes Each)
Partner 1: Share one word or sentence that best describes your current emotional state (e.g., “tired,” “excited,” or “a bit stressed”).
Partner 2: Repeat what you heard without interpreting it. Just acknowledge: “You’re feeling [emotion] right now.”
Step 3: Express Availability (1 Minute)
Each partner takes turns sharing how emotionally available they feel in the moment. For example: “I’m here and open to connecting” or “I’m here, but feeling a little preoccupied.”
Step 4: Appreciation (1 Minute)
Close by expressing one thing you appreciate about each other to help foster connection, regardless of availability.
Taking time for a self-check-in is a powerful way to cultivate emotional clarity and readiness in your relationship. As you try this practice, pay attention to how it influences your awareness and connection with your partner. We’d love to hear your experience! Did this reflection help you approach your partner with more openness? Did it bring any new insights about your emotional availability?
Share your feedback with us in the comments or send a private message—we’re excited to support your journey toward deeper connection!
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